Connections Between Football and Aliens Could Change Everything

On Wednesday, January 22nd at 8:03pm after a long game of practice, wide receiver John Johnson was shocked when he'd discovered the truth behind footballs and how they are manufactured.  

"I'd always knew I felt strange when I touched the ball," he said with great stoicism. "My buddies and I would touch the ball back and forth. Passing it to one another. I'd touch it, then him, then me again. It was a lot of fun and it felt great. Like, really great. Makes me happy that this is how I make a living, and the fact that people give us millions is great, but I don't know if I can keep doing this any longer," he shockingly said.

As reporter Tim Dagon went out to scene, we didn't hear back from him. We at first thought he had quit this job for us not paying him one time, but instead it was really something much more sinister.

John Johnson shared with us that footballs are actually several organisms from another planet, forming together to make the ball. As long as they are collectively being thrown by testosterone, then they won't spread and become aggravated. This is the true reason behind the Superbowl and the marketing campaigns for it. Because without the Superbowl, the agitated football organism aliens will expand, growing to the size of large apes and begin attacking our population. The U.S. is working on taking all measures possible in order to defend us from this seemingly inescapable future.

President Trump had this to say, "the balls are deadly. Very deadly. I've never seen balls like this. This is bad. Very bad. But we have a plan. A great plan. We'll build a wall. A wall around the balls. We'll build a big wall for every ball. Every ball will be inside the wall."

Of course, no policy from President Trump ever goes unchecked. The DNC have countered saying we must instead befriend these balls and make peace with them. Elizabeth Warren is also stating that she's part ball, so her word is what we should listen to, while Bernie Sanders is saying it's the rich that bought these balls' services and brought them to Earth, to capitalize off the impending war. 

Tulsi Gabbard had a comment on this matter, but we didn't know who she was, so we ignored her. 

These are trying times indeed and I wish us all the best of luck.
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If you'd like to support me so I can survive this upcoming apocalypse, consider supporting my Patreon here or getting this new SUPER bundle, which is a SUPER great deal, featuring amazing artwork from my games. It helps me eat.

As always,

Stay Awesome, 
Vincent Baker

p.s. Disclaimer: If it wasn't obvious. This article is a parody and doesn't in any way reflect real people.